Are you hoping to finally live in a fulfilling relationship, but you just can’t manage it in everyday life? Are you instead in a relationship in which you repeatedly experience arguments, discussions or distance with your partner and do not feel seen?
There are numerous factors that are necessary to live a fulfilling relationship on equal terms. The first crucial step, however, is to clarify to what extent you are buying into a common relationship illusion.
Illusion No. 1: When my partner changes, our relationship becomes better
Have you ever had this thought? If only he would finally change and e. g.
then, yes, then everything would be better.
One of the biggest relationship mistakes women can make is trying to change their partner. Maybe you’ve tried this before. Almost every woman tries this out at some point, in a small or large way. But hand on heart, did it work? Probably not.
Maybe you know that you entered a relationship when you were newly in love, but after a few weeks the actual characteristics, patterns and behavior of the other person became apparent. This is usually the phase of irritation where we ask ourselves, “Oh, is that what he’s like?” Do I really want to be with this man?” However, if you are happy to finally be in a relationship again, then you may initially ignore the things that don’t suit you and let the relationship continue until it suddenly ends has become a habit.
Even if you have been in a relationship for a long time, this question can come up as soon as you realize that you are not really happy, your self-confidence has already suffered or you feel that your needs are neither seen nor heard. This is usually the point where you ask yourself: “Was that it?” Is this the relationship I should have now for the rest of my life?”
Many people ignore certain partner behaviors and unhealthy dynamics in the relationship for a long time and do not stand up for their needs. Instead, you hope that your partner will change and then everything will get better. If you do what I did before, you may also tell yourself various stories that support your hope, e. g.
He will definitely change if:
It is very comfortable to take this perspective, because then it is largely the man’s fault that you are not happy. After all, if he were different, everything would be a lot easier, wouldn’t it? In the hope of change on his part, you cling to the little moments when things are nice with him before the next stress arises again or you find yourself at a distance. So you may move from moment to moment, but ultimately remain dissatisfied in the relationship.
The hope remains that the relationship as such will change through miraculous circumstances.
Illusion No. 2: When circumstances change, the relationship automatically gets better.
A client recently said, “My relationship with my partner has been terrible for several months. But we’re building a house now, then everything will definitely change when we have this joint project.” She didn’t feel comfortable in the relationship at all, she only felt disinterest from her partner and she didn’t enjoy sex with him either. But she still had hope that the relationship would change once they lived together in their own house.
Unfortunately, your relationship won’t miraculously change if you hope for circumstances to change. No matter what the circumstances, a relationship in which you are unhappy does not automatically become happy because:
It is very convenient to tell the if-then story. But in doing so you weaken yourself and remain a victim of the circumstances. You tie the relationship to stories, conditions and external circumstances and hope and hope and hope. Be completely honest: how long have you been hoping? And has anything changed during this time?
The way out of the illusion dilemma:
Even if it is painful, please realize that you are living in an illusion while life passes you by in the hope that your partner or the relationship as such will improve at some point. The only question you can ask yourself and answer with radical honesty is: Are you really happy and nourished in your current relationship, yes or no?
Don’t answer “maybe”, or “yes, but…” or “well, a little bit”, but rather clearly and simply: yes or no. If the answer is no, then the next question is: “Are you ready to embark on the path of change?” Are you willing to actively do something to ensure that you are happy in your relationship?” It’s always just about the next step.
If you are not happy in your relationship, it is crucial that you take responsibility and embark on your personal development path to illuminate your own unconscious relationship patterns and learn how you can create fulfilling relationships on equal terms. The ability to have a fulfilling relationship has usually just been buried by various things. For example, in our childhood and later adolescence we already experience many influences that have a decisive influence on our adult relationship life. However, we are usually not aware of these imprints and patterns. It is all the more important that you take the scepter in your hand and start removing these obstacles. Your life is precious. Your lifespan is limited. Don’t say, “I’ll take care of it someday.” or “If the circumstances are different, then…” or “I’ll see if I can find the solution in a magazine or a book.” If you really want to live a fulfilling relationship, then start NOW and get support, because you can’t not see your own blind spots. I am happy to support you from the bottom of my heart.
Best wishes,
Yours Nicola Neumann-Mangoldt